Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

The SALVE Formula, Naomi Aldort, PhD

Separate yourself from your child's behavior and emotions with a Silent Self talk.

Attention on the child

Listen

Validate, without dramatizing

Empower

This week Patina led an excellent discussion on Naomi Aldort's book Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves. Patina explained that a key point of book is that we have " 'mind-talk' that prevents us from understanding the child and from knowing how to respond." These voices we hear in our head I call the superego, which are voices or messages we heard growing up, or from society, about the way things "should" be.

Naomi Aldort's SALVE formula addresses the mind-talk issue. The first step is to "separate yourself from your child's behavior and emotions with a Silent Self talk." We can take a moment to identify this mind-talk for what it is, just chattering in our head, telling us a story evaluating what is going on in the situation with our child. Then we can be prepared to truly see the behavior of our child without arbitrary evaluations going on in our head.

Once we have cleared our mind or bracketed the mind-talk, we can then give our attention to the child, in nonreactive state. I believe this does not mean that we separate ourselves from our emotions, but rather we be present with our emotions and not simply reacting. Giving our attention to the child also means in a sense "holding a space" for the child and his/her emotions. Letting the child experience his/her emotions without judging them or shutting them down.

Then we can listen to our child, and truly hear what is going on in the situation. Once we hear our child, then we can validate he/she, which meets a core need for them. Once they feel heard, we can empower our child to make perhaps a different choice if that is necessary, or perhaps we as parents are the ones who need to alter our request in that moment.

Thank you, Patina, for your passionate understanding of Naomi Aldort's philosophy in raising loving children. I felt encouraged by the discussion and I am sure others did as well.

For the complete handout Patina spoke on, click here.