Communication Tip: Practice, Practice, Practice!
Relearning communication habits takes lots of practice. Please don't be frustrated when those big hairy conversations don't go as wonderfully as you had hoped with your new communication skills. Instead, find everyday, low-tension situations in which to practice the four components of Compassionate Communication (Observation, Feelings, Needs, Request.) Add a need to the simple requests you give to family members. Offer a bit of empathy to store clerks and people waiting in line. Give yourself empathy when you have a near miss on the freeway, or after a long day of work-- or time with family. Most helpfully, if you take regular times for reflection or journaling, use a little of that time to translate judgments and reflect on events in terms of compassionate communication. And please don't judge yourself when your progress is slower than you'd like. Instead, remember and celebrate the needs that you want to meet by communicating compassionately. If you are getting frustrated and not getting the results you want, check in with a trainer to make sure you're on track with your application of these tools-- it's simple, but it isn't always easy!
Parenting Tip: Narrating Kids' Experiences
Humans make sense of our world through stories. Because young children are trying to figure out how the world works, they like to hear the same stories over and over (and over...) When an event stimulates confusion or big feelings in a child, caregivers can support the child's emotional regulation and emotional intelligence by telling a story about the event.
A helpful story includes observations, feelings and needs, and constructive actions. "You fell off the swing. That hurt! You needed some love to feel better. You came to daddy and got a hug." For an older child: "That girl said things about you that aren't true. I guess you were really embarrassed. You need friends you can trust. (Let an older child child add detail and nuance to her story.) Let's think about what you can do now." We can offer our kids stories free of blame and judgment, stories that are honest about feelings, needs and values, and offer constructive actions.
Children need narratives about the little bumps in their lives, and also about difficult things like death, separation, and serious illness. While they may not "understand" these events, they feel the effects. Without our coaching, it would be easy for a child's busy mind to create stories (spoken or not) like, "Maybe daddy doesn't live with us because I did something wrong-- who's going to disappear next?" or "The teacher yelled at me because I'm dumb." Making a short cartoon story book with or for a child takes ten minutes. For an older child you can write a letter narrating a difficult situation. Sharing helpful stories about your child's experiences builds understanding, connection and hope.
Written by Terry LePage from opendoorcommunication.org
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