Communication Tip: The Power of Observation
Neurologists have discovered that our brains are hard-wired to make assumptions: to see categories, labels and judgments, instead of unfiltered reality: what is really here. We even see patterns where none exist! Fortunately we also have the brain power to catch our assumptions and ask ourselves, "What am I actually observing, as a video camera would record?" This simple question allows us to separate reality from our assumptions about reality. Observation is often the first step in the process of compassionate communication. As we practice observation regularly, we begin to realize that our interpretations of the meaning of others' behavior are only assumptions, not reality. Compassionate communication then invites us to interpret behavior only in terms of empathy: What feelings and needs might have been behind that person's behavior? What feelings and needs does their behavior spark in me? Making a clear observation is the first step in translating the assumptions that fuel fear and resentment into a language that serves life.
Parenting Tip: Repairing the Rupture
The wonderful intimate connection that most caregivers experience with babies and young children is not continuous. Sometimes people of any age just needs a little space. Sometimes the connection is ruptured by "big feelings." We know that young children do not intend to reject, shame or hurt us when they get upset. But they don't know the same about us: they are truly vulnerable to ruptured connections with the most important people in their lives. So when the big feelings are ours, we repair the rupture. When we have calmed, we express regret about our behavior, affirm that the child is safe and loved, and make it clear that we take responsiblility for our own big feelings. We can also reconnect through affection, attention, and play.
When we set a limit, even with love and empathy, a child's "big feelings" about the limit may be experienced as a rupture. At this point we are tempted to explain and defend our limit, which usually deepens the rupture. Instead, keep connection open on your side with empathy. "You really want ice cream now. It's hard to wait till after dinner." Then give the child space to to process feelings (safely) before reconnecting in a way that works for both of you.
As children grow into teens, they may temporarily disconnect from a parent to meet needs for autonomy and identity. Surges of hormones can also generate some very big feelings. It may not be easy to repair a rupture with a teen. Sometimes it may seem downright hopeless. Don't try until both of you are calm. Then invite a conversation where you really try to empathize with their point of view, and invite truly collaborative solutions for the future-- not critiquing the past. Teens need our respect, consideration, partnership, and unconditional love first. When we have been modeling these things, we can ask for them in return.
Written by Terry LePage from opendoorcommunication.org
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